December 29, 2005 Believe It Or Not I Can Be A Dick I refuse to accept that I am anything less than extremely charming and personable. However, after last night I might entertain the notion that when I am drunk I can be a bit of a dick. The following things I said last night were like an Asian in ice water... a little dick. A group of girls carrying doggy bags were just leaving the restaurant my friends and I were walking in to. Me: "What are you doing!?! Put the food down. That is just excessive."

At the bar ordering a drink with my friend (girl).
Bartender: "Is this together or separate."
Me: "Separate. I don't know this BITCH."

Talking with a blonde bimbo.
Bimbo: "I actually just got off work."
Me: "Where do you work, Hooters?"
Bimbo: "You should go drink some more."
(I think that was supposed to be a insult)

And I almost got in a fight with an Asian Sig Ep. I guess that chapter was trying to get their GPA up.

There was one thing I said last night that I immediately regretted, and it was not "I love you". I was playing pool with a Marine friend of mine that had just got back from Iraq. We are talking shit. I am the perfect level of drunk so my pool skills have gone from shitty to respectable. I was about to win my fifth game in a row.

Me: "Man I am killing you. This must remind you of Fallujah."

That was dick.

posted by John 5:58PM

December 23, 2005 Breast Cancer Jokes I just proofread my sister's dissertation on breast cancer research. She did a good job with the scientific part, but the paper as a whole was painfully dull. I only chuckled maybe one or two times tops. To help her spruce it up I came up with some breast cancer jokes. Q: What is another name for breast cancer? A: Nature's silicone. Q: What did the healthy breast say to the breast with cancer? A: Nigga please!

Q: How can you tell if you have breast cancer?
A: By letting me suck on your nipples.

Q: How can me sucking on your nipples determine if you have breast cancer or not?
A: It can't. Get a mammogram you stupid bitch.

Q: What do you say to a woman who lost a breast to cancer?
A: Nothing she is disfigured.

Q: What do you say to cheer up a woman with breast cancer?
A: I love your lady lumps.

Q: What do you call motor boating a woman with breast cancer?
A: Rough seas.

Q: What do you call tit fucking a woman with breast cancer?
A: Painful

Q: How many breast cancer survivors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the light bulb and the other to perform a breast exam on her.

Q: Why do mostly women get breast cancer?
A: No one knows.

posted by John 2:06PM

December 8, 2005 MySpace Fun Part 2 I am such an internet badass that I posted embarrassing comments on people's MySpace pages... again. "Hey there babe last night was pretty wild. I have never seen anyone do that to a salmon fillet before. I guess with some lube and a little imagination anything is possible. Later"

"I am pretty sure only a human can get you preggers, but I can throw you down some stairs just to be safe. Let me know."

"Sorry to hear that babe. I guess the only thing you will be sucking on for a while are lozenges."

"Shhhh quiet! Do you hear that? That is my balls whistling Dixie. You are the best babe!"

"OMG Kelly that was a such a crazy night. The vet said he had to put the horse down. Guess you showed him who the real thoroughbred is."

"Thanks for making me a red wing fighter pilot. I looked like I went 10 rounds with Tyson."

"Hey I got some bad news. I just found out there is no such thing as "pubic acne". But on the bright side the guy at the petting zoo said I could keep the mule for another week. Just throwing that out there."

"Hey Brad, you were right it totally worked!!! And I haven't heard from the cops so I am guessing she didn't remember a thing ;)"

"Hey Derek and I just want to say we had a great time last night. Talk to you later my little London Bridge."

"I have heard of making an ass clap, but I swear yours gave me a standing ovation."

"Dude there are no such things as "genital heat rash" and "acidic urine". I don't care if she is 14 you should still get checked out."

"When you said felching "sucked" I had no idea you were being ironic."

"Haha nice pic. I remember that night. You girls let me know if you are up for another round of hide the wiener."

"Ass and tities. Ass and tities. Ass and tities and big booty bitches."

You can read MySpace Fun Part 1 here.

posted by John 12:12PM

December 4, 2005 Nice Acting Retard Opps I did it again. I came up with another brilliant idea, and possibly played with your heart. Like nearly all my brilliant ideas, this one involves retards. This is not surprising since retards are one of the most valuable and under utilized natural resources in the world, like whale blubber. I had just seen the third trimester abortion of a movie called "The Ringer". In it, the renowned thespian Johnny Knoxville pretends to be retarded to rig the Special Olympics. Obviously, this was a huge stretch for him. JK nails this role though, by exaggerating his normal mumbled delivery and taking a few well-placed shots to the groin. This is Knoxville at his finest.

Sadly, the rest of the cast ruins this movie. Those retards could not act for shiny objects, friendly cats, candy, or a hug. That's how bad they are! Every time they tried to convey some emotion, I was fully aware that they were acting and it totally sucked me out of the story. I came to the harsh realization that retards just cannot act. Then I had my brilliant idea.

Well your nipples are probably chapped and bruised from all this foreplay so let me just put this brilliant idea in you. I want to make a movie with retards that do not know that they are in a movie. Everyone else will be following scripts and acting out a fantastic storyline about monsters or something. The retards will be in every scene but we will not tell them that it is not real. They may use their retard strength to thrash our hero during the romantic love scene for "hurting the lady", or they may decide the monster is a friend and constantly hug him. The possibilities are endless and hilarious.

posted by John 1:20PM